THE MYTH

Health

THE REALITY

First some statistics you should be aware of:

73% of dead people are not enjoying good health.
Death is the number 1 killer of people in the world today.
4/5 of Americans expect to be dead before their 200th birthday.
68% of all deaths are fatal.

Heart attacks can be a indication of poor health, many don't realize that one of the symptoms of a heart attack is sudden death, should you experience sudden death it could be that you are having a heart attack and should seek medical treatment, please, don't drive at this point.

Maintaining good health is important and there are several things you can do to stay healthy.

Start smoking. Smoking calms the nerves and reduces stress that can lead to heart attacks and strokes. It is also a natural appetite suppressant that can help remove those extra pounds.

Excessive alcohol consumption can also be used to maintain proper health. Alcohol thins the blood allowing proper flow through clogged arteries. Some of you may worry about what this does to the liver, but remember the liver, like a lung, is a non essential organ.

Any discussion on health must of course include thoughts on proper eating. Since most foods consumed today are processed foods that tend to rob most of the nutrients from them, it is important to eat large portions, several times a day. A fast food burger for example may only contain about a fifth of the required nutrients, so you will need to eat 5 quarter-pounders to maintain proper nutrition. A balanced diet is also important so don't forget the fries and cherry pie.

Walking and running put unnecessary stress on bones and joints that can lead to arthritis and foot problems. If you find walking unavoidable at times, be sure to walk slowly and take several breaks. Stopping to eat a twinkie and a bag of chips every few hundred yards will slow the deterioration of bones and joints.

These are just a few examples of the things you can do to make sure you live until you die. Remember that health is almost as important as sex and money so take some time to improve all three.

THE MYTH

All windows should be opened at the moment of death so that the soul can leave.

THE REALITY

I seriously doubt my ability to die and open windows at the same moment, my multi-tasking abilities extend only so far. I can't even hit the toilet when I'm really sleepy. I can however sing "Sunglasses at Night" while clipping my toenails, oddly this hasn't evolved into a money making venture. My ex-wife on the other hand is a genuine multi-tasker, quite capable of being both annoying and bitchy at the same time!

I wonder...?

THE MYTH

"Cows lifting their tails is a sure sign rain is coming"

THE REALITY

Cows lifting their tails means waters-a-comin, but it ain't no rain.

Doppler radar seems to have stifled the need to observe bovine forecasters (I'm not talking about the girl on channel 7). Although Cow Forecasts have been proven 30% more accurate than Environment Canada, their questionable ties to Al-Queda and the Taliban make cow watching akin to supporting terrorism. For this reason one should use the less accurate but far more politically correct Wolverine method. And for God's sake don't be fooled by the moose!

THE MYTH

Procrastination

THE REALITY

Maybe I'll Finnish this tomorrow....

THE MYTH

Euthanasia is a growing moral concern.

THE REALITY

As a Canadian I am far more concerned about the euth in North America, and I fail to see why our governments, courts and special interests groups continue to spend time advocating the rights of the euth in Asia.

Let me say here and now I am in favour of the euth in Asia but fail to see the political significance, it's not as though we are advocating killing people.

THE MYTH

"Bird droppings on your shoulder bring good luck."

THE REALITY

Having animals defecate on you sounds more like "I'm having a bad day" than good luck.

"How's your day?"

"Oh, really good! A bird crapped on my head, I have dog shit stuck to my shoe and if I could just get a squirrel to pee on my leg I might buy a lottery ticket!"

It boggles the mind to wonder how bad the life of the person who made this up must have been when a bird pooping on him was the upside of his day.

Even for me this wouldn't be the best part of my day, not the worst either, but not the best.

THE MYTH

"Life begins at forty."

THE REALITY

The pregnant women are going to be mighty shocked to hear that!

I recently received this nifty saying on a coffee cup and at first I thought this was taking the anti-abortion thing a little far. I know we can't agree when life begins, but really, 40??!!

As opposed to being an anti-abortion campaign I am assuming this is one of those things you say to make people feel better about themselves, and this was the best they could up with.

At 40 I still suck my belly in when a hot girl walks by, all the while knowing deep down, she thinks me and her grandfather are the same age. I have to take a breather from bending over to put my socks on the morning, some days I don't bother. Shaving takes twice as long because you have to move the jowls and hanging skin around. The nose hairs are so long I just pretend I grew a mustache. Words on books are written smaller, light bulbs aren't as bright as they used to make them and and I'd probably forgo sex just to have a good afternoon nap (okay, maybe not.)

Life does not begin at forty and while I don't think it ends at forty either, I can see the on-ramp from here.