Hits and Mythses

2008-07-10T17:21:00.001-06:00

THE MYTH

Health

THE REALITY

First some statistics you should be aware of:

73% of dead people are not enjoying good health.
Death is the number 1 killer of people in the world today.
4/5 of Americans expect to be dead before their 200th birthday.
68% of all deaths are fatal.

Heart attacks can be a indication of poor health, many don't realize that one of the symptoms of a heart attack is sudden death, should you experience sudden death it could be that you are having a heart attack and should seek medical treatment, please, don't drive at this point.

Maintaining good health is important and there are several things you can do to stay healthy.

Start smoking. Smoking calms the nerves and reduces stress that can lead to heart attacks and strokes. It is also a natural appetite suppressant that can help remove those extra pounds.

Excessive alcohol consumption can also be used to maintain proper health. Alcohol thins the blood allowing proper flow through clogged arteries. Some of you may worry about what this does to the liver, but remember the liver, like a lung, is a non essential organ.

Any discussion on health must of course include thoughts on proper eating. Since most foods consumed today are processed foods that tend to rob most of the nutrients from them, it is important to eat large portions, several times a day. A fast food burger for example may only contain about a fifth of the required nutrients, so you will need to eat 5 quarter-pounders to maintain proper nutrition. A balanced diet is also important so don't forget the fries and cherry pie.

Walking and running put unnecessary stress on bones and joints that can lead to arthritis and foot problems. If you find walking unavoidable at times, be sure to walk slowly and take several breaks. Stopping to eat a twinkie and a bag of chips every few hundred yards will slow the deterioration of bones and joints.

These are just a few examples of the things you can do to make sure you live until you die. Remember that health is almost as important as sex and money so take some time to improve all three.

2008-02-15T20:13:00.002-07:00

THE MYTH

All windows should be opened at the moment of death so that the soul can leave.

THE REALITY

I seriously doubt my ability to die and open windows at the same moment, my multi-tasking abilities extend only so far. I can't even hit the toilet when I'm really sleepy. I can however sing "Sunglasses at Night" while clipping my toenails, oddly this hasn't evolved into a money making venture. My ex-wife on the other hand is a genuine multi-tasker, quite capable of being both annoying and bitchy at the same time!

I wonder...?

2008-01-01T21:53:00.000-07:00

THE MYTH

"Cows lifting their tails is a sure sign rain is coming"

THE REALITY

Cows lifting their tails means waters-a-comin, but it ain't no rain.

Doppler radar seems to have stifled the need to observe bovine forecasters (I'm not talking about the girl on channel 7). Although Cow Forecasts have been proven 30% more accurate than Environment Canada, their questionable ties to Al-Queda and the Taliban make cow watching akin to supporting terrorism. For this reason one should use the less accurate but far more politically correct Wolverine method. And for God's sake don't be fooled by the moose!

2007-11-24T21:51:00.000-07:00

THE MYTH

Procrastination

THE REALITY

Maybe I'll Finnish this tomorrow....

2007-10-16T21:39:00.000-06:00

THE MYTH

Euthanasia is a growing moral concern.

THE REALITY

As a Canadian I am far more concerned about the euth in North America, and I fail to see why our governments, courts and special interests groups continue to spend time advocating the rights of the euth in Asia.

Let me say here and now I am in favour of the euth in Asia but fail to see the political significance, it's not as though we are advocating killing people.

2007-09-04T08:33:00.000-06:00

THE MYTH

"Bird droppings on your shoulder bring good luck."

THE REALITY

Having animals defecate on you sounds more like "I'm having a bad day" than good luck.

"How's your day?"

"Oh, really good! A bird crapped on my head, I have dog shit stuck to my shoe and if I could just get a squirrel to pee on my leg I might buy a lottery ticket!"

It boggles the mind to wonder how bad the life of the person who made this up must have been when a bird pooping on him was the upside of his day.

Even for me this wouldn't be the best part of my day, not the worst either, but not the best.

2007-09-02T23:59:00.000-06:00

THE MYTH

"Life begins at forty."

THE REALITY

The pregnant women are going to be mighty shocked to hear that!

I recently received this nifty saying on a coffee cup and at first I thought this was taking the anti-abortion thing a little far. I know we can't agree when life begins, but really, 40??!!

As opposed to being an anti-abortion campaign I am assuming this is one of those things you say to make people feel better about themselves, and this was the best they could up with.

At 40 I still suck my belly in when a hot girl walks by, all the while knowing deep down, she thinks me and her grandfather are the same age. I have to take a breather from bending over to put my socks on the morning, some days I don't bother. Shaving takes twice as long because you have to move the jowls and hanging skin around. The nose hairs are so long I just pretend I grew a mustache. Words on books are written smaller, light bulbs aren't as bright as they used to make them and and I'd probably forgo sex just to have a good afternoon nap (okay, maybe not.)

Life does not begin at forty and while I don't think it ends at forty either, I can see the on-ramp from here.

2007-09-01T00:14:00.000-06:00

THE MYTH

American States have cool state nicknames.

THE REALITY

Missouri- "Show me State"
Missouri should beef up their education system then they can become the
"Hey, I did it myself State."

Oklahoma- "Sooner State"

Sooner be someplace else? Sooner or later we will get a proper nickname?

Oregon- "Beaver State"
Wow, I want to move to Oregon!!!!!! Unless we're talking animals here. And you would be called an Oregonian which sounds like something I need a cure for.

Maryland- "Old Line State"
Brings a tear to your eye, don't it?

New Mexico- "Land of Enchantment."
Look, if you couldn't come up with anything why didn't you just leave it alone?

Nicknames for Canadian Provinces are far more creative.

Saskatchewan - "Hey, come back! We found a tree!"

Alberta- "Texas Jr."

Newfoundland- "Last one out turn off the lights."

Ontario- "Could be worse places to live!"

Quebec- "Die, you English speaking dogs!"

Prince Edward Island- "We are too a province!"

2007-08-21T23:11:00.000-06:00

THE MYTH

Complimentary Napkins

THE REALITY

Today at a large food store, (I won't mention Safeway's name to avoid lawsuits...always thinking) I was offered a complimentary wet napkin at the door. Apparently dirty people shop at this store and you don't want touch any carts used by anyone else.

Let me digress a moment, Shopping Carts, carts, not buggies, okay, it buggies me when people say buggy, you know who you are, knock it off! I believe these are the same people who say "Scrunch over" when they want to sit down (surely these must be Americans, no self respecting Canadian says "scrunch", eh?) I prefer "Move your fat carcass."

Whew, I feel so much better!

So I'm handed this complimentary napkin that says "You are fat and ugly."

While true, it's not a compliment.

Don't even get me started on complimentary doughnuts!

2007-08-19T23:52:00.000-06:00

THE MYTH

Addictions

THE REALITY

Addictions are for the weak minded. They are usually found in people of lower intelligence. (IE: Hotdogman)

I have successfully quit smoking 46 times this year. It's become so easy I hardly try anymore.

The casino has all my money. No money= No gambling= No addiction. ( So simple)

I used to be addicted to Hagen Daz coffee ice cream. A stroke, a double bypass and a 4 month hospital stay later, and voila...no addiction!

After last nights bender, I can't remember if I have an alcohol problem, but my cocaine dealer says not to worry about it.

And coffee??? Can you really consider 18 cups a day an addiction???

Oh, by the way, looking for girl who wants to cure sex addiction. Apparently after sex with me, everyone has sworn off further intercourse. I like to help.

2007-08-18T23:23:00.000-06:00

THE MYTH

Combustible Flatulence

THE REALITY

In testing this I was amazed (and utterly shocked!!) to find farts do burn. As do bed sheets, dressers and other various bedroom furnishings. In fact the only thing that saved the house was that I was drinking beer and REALLY had to go!

This is an interesting method of removing unwanted body hair, and a large portion of wanted body hair. During this episode I invented a couple of new dances and several new swear words, including "badfitch", which apparently means "Holy crap, my bum is on fire!"

I realize having a blow torch with a bright blue flame, coming out of your behind sounds cool and exotic, but oddly it was a tad uncomfortable. The doctor says I should be able to sit down in 4-6 weeks and there shouldn't be any long term effects on other sensitive organs in that area. (They weren't being overly used anyway.)

In the future if in some drunken stupor this seems to sound like something you want to try, remember, "Preparation H" will be your new best friend.

2007-05-22T11:39:00.000-06:00

**ANNOUNCEMENT**

On the assumption that anyone cares..

Due to commitments I am no longer able to update this blog, (such as it is) at least for the summer,I may be back in the fall. I've had a lot of fun with it and have enjoyed getting to know many of you through your blogs. I will still visit my favorites regularly.

Have a good summer.

Craig

**I did a guest post at Verbicidal Tendencies**

2007-05-20T12:43:00.000-06:00

THE MYTH

"Soul Mates"

THE REALITY

They are a rare find, that you find rarely. And rarely do you find them often. But often they are rarely found.

This was far harder to investigate than I had imagined. I paid some guy 150 bucks online to do a search, he came up with a name and email of some woman who obviously had no idea what I was talking about, what a waste of money. He also apparently stole my identity using the credit card number and other personal details I gave him, so I don't know who I am now! My mother will surprised when he shows up for Christmas dinner next time, not disappointed maybe, but surprised.

The Yellow Pages doesn't have any listings for Cobblers, although I did find an excellent peach cobbler at a cafe downtown, it didn't really aid my search.

It may have fallen out of the car, so if you're driving down the highway and see a lone shoe on the side of the road, would please stop and grab it? It may be my sole mate.

2007-05-19T21:01:00.000-06:00

THE MYTH

"Creationism"

THE REALITY

If I get struck down during this post, I am blaming Mist and leaving my blog to CY .

Poking fun at Charles Darwin is one thing, but I assume God can actually hurt me. I pray that after all the world has gone through He still has a sense of humor left.

An infinite wisdom God could not have created or allow to evolve:

1) Soy Milk/Tofu, Etc.
2) Al Gore
3) Jean Chretien (Non-Canadians can click for more info. He may be Satan's second cousin. Just sayin')
4) Tuna Fish Sandwiches
5) Ex-wife (I would post a picture, but blogger has decency rules)
6) Spandex (Super models and the cutie at 7-11 excepted, oh to be ten years younger! okay maybe twenty)
7) American Beer (If you can call it "beer", why doesn't it have alcohol in it?)
8) Saskatchewan (Even though I was born there, but had the sense to leave when I was 3)
9) Microsooft Windows (It's not a typo, I just have an aversion to being sued)
10) Tickle me Elmo

The list could be extensive of course, I didn't even mention Britney, Cricket or peas!

Now that we have proven both Evolution and Creationism as myths, the only conclusion is that you are all a dream and/or figment of my imagination. Of course if this is all my dream how come I'm not rich, just handsome?

2007-05-17T13:17:00.000-06:00

THE MYTH

"Evolution"

THE REALITY

My opinion on evolution is evolving.

Reason and logic often get thrown into these discussions, and tend to skew the results. We shall dispense with them immediately.

Charles Darwin first came up with his theory while working at a Ford plant in Lansing. Noticing how last year's model was slightly, but perceptibly, different than the current year. He also noted the same trend in women's fashions, taxes and deodorant. Being a cross-dressing accountant with B.O made these discoveries obvious to him.

Many have argued that God could have pre-ordained these things to evolve. However Darwin pointed out that surely God would never have built the Edsel, Al Gore or allowed overweight women to wear spandex.

In the end the theory of evolution, like the theory of a round earth, remain myths that just won't die.

2007-05-15T09:21:00.000-06:00

THE MYTH

"Leftover beer can be used to rid the garden of slugs"

THE REALITY

Leftover Beer????????? I've never experienced such a thing.

Is this like "extra" money? Or the "chip clip" to save the bag of chips for later? If I open a bag of chips, I eat a bag of chips. I've even seen snacks that come in their own ziplock re-sealable bags. Has society become so soft we don't even know how to pig out on snacks anymore?

But I digress. (And on the new carpet too, sorry, I'll clean it up later.)

I refuse to test this myth, I won't even give my Brother-in-Law a beer, maybe if they were more productive, but they move slowly, eat 18 hours a day and leave slime behind when they go. But enough about my Brother-in-law, we were discussing slugs.

I might try giving slugs "Soy Milk" as I can see no other purpose for this product.

2007-05-11T21:34:00.000-06:00

THE MYTH

"Tobacco use can make you important"

THE REALITY

I am really confused by the message Health Canada is sending our youth. Forcing tobacco companies to use this on cigarette packages.

I started smoking again after seeing this on a package of cigarettes, who doesn't want to be important?

I haven't really noticed any increase in my importance, but I have noticed things below aren't quite what they used to be, not sure if it's related. If smoking does make you important, then with the amount I'm going through I should be Prime Minister in the next few months!

2007-05-10T00:57:00.000-06:00

THE MYTH

"Peeing in the shower is socially unacceptable"

THE REALITY

What was great about testing this myth was drinking lots of beer so I could produce at the proper time. The old liver is just begging for a breather.

I traveled to six different regions in North America to test this myth and visited roughly 43 showers, mostly private homes. You get some funny looks (and occasionally buckshot) when you ring a doorbell and ask to pee in their shower.

Approximately 87% of the people had no real issue with the shower peeing, but most felt I should actually be taking a shower and not do it from the hallway.

It appears men do more shower peeing than women, but then men will pee just about anywhere, even a toilet if happens to be handy, and in the shower you never worry about putting the seat down. So what exactly is that yellow ring in the tub? I suspect women just won't admit to shower peeing.

I should point out that "Number 2" in the shower is a definite no-no, except, oddly, in parts of Colorado. I'm not sure if Coloradoers..Coloradians..Coloradosesers..people from Colorado are just not so uptight or if there are real issues to be concerned about.

2007-05-09T00:58:00.000-06:00

THE MYTH

"Boob jobs are a safe and practical procedure."

THE REALITY

I've been doing boob jobs for nearly twenty-five years now, and while I've never made a great deal of money, I've been comfortable.

The biggest downside of the boob job is the hit your self esteem takes. It hurts sometimes to hear the boss say:

"Let's get that boob to do it."

And it's usually some crappy job nobody wants to do.

I hired a couple of boobs to paint my house recently and have learned to live with the green over the windows, it's like a spring day even in January.

I've never really understood women who talk about getting a boob job, why don't they hire a professional? I guess money must be tight.

I hear friends say:

"Hey, my wife just got a boob job and it looks great!"

They must be hiring people who do better work than me. I'm all for boob jobs otherwise I'd never find employment.

2007-05-08T08:41:00.000-06:00

THE MYTH

"Biting of finger and toe nails can cause gastrointestinal ailments(1)"

*Numbers indicate footnote translations, so Mist is able to follow along*

THE REALITY

I am physically unable to chew my toenails, I don't know if it's just me or the population in general(2). I can touch my nose to my knee, but that doesn't really help with this investigation(3). Oddly I am unable to touch my nose with my elbow, I intend to see a physician(4) about this. If you find yourself chewing other peoples toe nails, I suggest you take up smoking or some other safe habit.

One of the problems associated(5) with biting nails is worms. If there are worms under your nails and you don't know about them, maybe you should try washing your hands once in awhile. Let me know first though, as I am planning a fishing weekend and need bait(6).

Another nail biting problem listed is heart damage. If you are chewing your nails that short at least stop at the elbow.

If your child is unable to stop biting their nails, take them away from them until they are mature enough to handle it.

(1) Tummy trouble.

(2) All the peoples.
(3) Figuring out stuff.

(4) Nice man who helps people.
(5) Together, kind of like a date.
(6) Stuff for the little fishies to eat.

2007-05-07T23:07:00.000-06:00

THE MYTH

"The best things in life are free"
OR
"Money can't buy happiness"

THE REALITY

So why aren't homeless people deliriously happy?

Why do I get stopped constantly by people looking for spare change? Which I never give them because I want them to be happy. (I am always sacrificing for others)

"You are so lucky," I tell them "I may look happy in my new Mercedes and my Armani suit, but deep down I'm miserable. I am being forced to fly to Cancun this weekend to sit on the beach and drink. The maid over starched my shirts again and the chauffeur drinks. I wish I could be as carefree and happy as you! By giving you money I may be leading you down the same miserable path, and I couldn't live with that on my conscience."

I generally get that look that says "You're gonna get your ass kicked!"

There's just no helping some people. Ingrates!

2007-05-06T09:38:00.000-06:00

THE MYTH

"A full moon affects mood and character."

THE REALITY

During the last full moon I monitored my habits and reactions very closely to see if there were any effects.

The results:

Murders I committed: 0 (Down from last week!)

People I assaulted: 0 (I don't count the neighbor, he deserved it!)

Armed robberies: 0.5 (I am calling this a half, because it wasn't successful)

Number of road rage events: 14 (In my defense on this one, I'm sure I was never at fault.)

Weird creepy stalkings: 2 (An average week.)

Drunken tirades in the Wal Mart parking lot: 1 (I could have swore I was home in bed, but security cameras don't lie.)

Airplane hijackings: 0 (As far as I can remember)

So this is an obvious myth as my time during the full moon was completely normal, without any adverse effects.

2007-05-05T08:13:00.000-06:00

THE MYTH

"The Canadian military is weak and under funded."

THE REALITY

-Prior to deployment in Afghanistan all military sling shots have been retro-fitted with new elastics.

-With new maintenance rules, Sea King helicopters fall from the sky 20% less often. (Now with a 50-50 chance of flying)

-Canadian submarines employ alternative environmentally safe propulsion devices (tow rope from a destroyer).

-Billions of dollars have been spent studying replacement of Sea King helicopters. Unfortunately it didn't leave any money to actually buy anything.

-Military pay raises have caused a 3% drop in use of food banks.

With the current Conservative government's re-vitalizing of the military it is believed that in less than 20 years we will be up to 1990 standards. So any nation planning on causing trouble for Canada, please wait, 'kay?

2007-05-01T11:43:00.000-06:00

THE MYTH

"Product warning labels are useful and helpful"

THE REALITY

Keep in mind people who need these warning labels are allowed to vote and drive.

2007-04-30T08:55:00.000-06:00

THE MYTH

"Bear Repellent"

THE REALITY

First a quick tip off the top, always read directions before using a product. I assumed this was used like mosquito repellent and soaked myself down. No matter how fast you drive with the windows open, you cannot escape this stuff.

Bear repellent, so I have learned since, is just "mace" same as the cops use. So by the time I stopped at 7-11 to get something to wash the taste out of my mouth, I looked like I had just come from an anti-war demonstration. This will be why you never see a bear protesting anything.

The choking, gagging, crying went on for several hours, eerily reminiscent of sex with the ex-wife.

This product should not be confused with "bare" repellent which is the refusal of women to get naked after seeing me dance.

2007-04-29T00:48:00.000-06:00

THE MYTH

"North American workers are lazy and overpaid"

THE REALITY

This is an outrageous lie! Just yesterday the boss said I was doing the work of two men... Curly and Moe. ( I don't get it either, but I took it as a compliment.)

I was so disgusted when I heard this myth that I closed the solitaire card game window, put my shoes and pants back on and marched straight to the cafeteria to take a break. Then after my mid-morning nap and a good 45 minutes of avoiding my supervisor, I decided a couple of martinis at Joe's would calm me down. The afternoon at work was sheer hell, first the dealership called and said they can't get the Mercedes in red then accounting emailed to say my expense account was $7.00 over budget, and I am expected to make up the difference! Bastards!

I am too upset to even finish this, I may have to take paid stress leave. As soon as I'm able to track down a copy of my job description to see what I am supposed to be doing here, I will demand a raise.

2007-04-27T13:06:00.000-06:00

THE MYTH

"Natural body odor is an aphrodisiac"

THE REALITY

If I find out this is true I will be suing Mennen Speed Stick, for a lot of missed opportunities! I always assumed my lack of luck with the ladies was the "Dorky Factor", but perhaps I just smelled too damn good.

After a 3 mile run and no shower I was off to test this myth at a local nightclub. After about 10 minutes of mingling I wasn't getting any offers of sex, but I did seem to be getting noticed and appeared to be the center of a few discussions among the ladies. Many were looking my way and pointing.

Some of the women (probably afraid they couldn't control themselves) asked me to not stand so close.

Seems I must have chosen lesbian night at the club, as no one wanted to dance or have impromptu sex, there is no other explanation.

2007-04-24T11:35:00.000-06:00

THE MYTH

"Music soothes the savage beast."

THE REALITY

I believe the original quote is "Music soothes the savage BREAST." However, I am unsure as to what that means. I've heard of big, small, droopy, perky but as yet I have not seen a savage boob. (Outside of politics)

As for the savage beast, the Ex-wife won't answer my calls, so once again we have to"make do". We chose the neighbors pit bull, as this animal keeps us trapped in the house several hours a day. I ventured into the back yard with my $29.95 WalMart guitar and started playing the only tune I know how to play, the only tune anybody who doesn't play the guitar knows how to play, "Smoke On The Water".

This had the opposite effect I was hoping for as the animal became enraged, and so music does NOT soothe the savage beast but a guitar upside the head did work wonders.

What's the deal on rabies?

2007-04-22T07:53:00.000-06:00

THE MYTH

"The home appendectomy kit is confusing and ineffective"

THE REALITY

Before attempting to remove your own appendix with the RJ-29 home kit, you must remember this was developed in Japan and some translation errors have been found in the instructions.

Unfortunately these errors were found after my first attempt. By the the third try however I became more skillful with the procedure. One of the most important points to remember, as I discovered, is do not apply general anesthesia unless someone is helping you. I'm aware this seems self-explanatory but it didn't occur to me at the time.

The other consideration before attempting this procedure, is knowing what an appendix looks like. I removed three organs and I believe I got the appendix, but I may also have invented the home colon removal kit.

Some of you may recognize the similarities of the home appendectomy kit and "hara-kiri", the samurai suicide method, this was pointed out to me by the doctor in the emergency ward.

With a little practice I believe the average person will be able to accomplish this without much trouble, try removing your spleen or gall bladder first just to get the hang of it.

2007-04-21T13:01:00.000-06:00

THE MYTH

"Hair and nails continue to grow after death"

THE REALITY

Since I'm not quite ready to personally test this one, although the ex-wife has offered to help, I had to get reliable data elsewhere.

I have discovered in the course of this investigation that grave robbing is a dying vocation. Not one is listed in the yellow pages and the local community college dis-continued it's course several years ago. It was also explained to me, Thursday night at 2AM, that digging in a cemetery was frowned upon in Canada. There are apparently legal issues I hadn't considered.

I further discovered a thing called an "encyclopedia" although I am unsure as to how to pronounce it or turn it on, but I'm told the answer lies within.

2007-04-20T12:27:00.000-06:00

THE MYTH

"Humans use only 10% of their brains."

THE REALITY

Sadly, many of us not even that much.

This supposedly relates to three quarters of the world's population, but our studies indicate it is closer to 75%.

2007-04-16T11:25:00.000-06:00

THE MYTH

"Murphy's Law"

THE REALITY

Laws made without the consent of "the people" are neither legal nor binding and undermine the integrity of democracy. Since Murphy and his ilk, have never held office or been elected, his laws do not apply to those of us in the free world.

Similarly, who was Newton to force the "Law of Gravity" on us? There was no referendum, plebiscite or national election fought on this issue.

I for one do not intend to stand by while the democratic process is usurped by the theses charlatans for their own twisted purposes. I am urging everyone to take civil action and defy these laws and allow the Supreme Court to determine their validity!

**UPDATE**
While attempting to defy the Law of Gravity, I have broken my arm, I suspect Murphy was involved here as well. It goes to show the lengths these people will go to stop us. We are up against a determined foe, be careful out there!

2007-04-11T12:10:00.000-06:00

THE MYTH

"Placing a condom on your eyes will reduce puffiness and redness."

THE REALITY

I was not sure about testing this one, as I was afraid I might become cock-eyed.

I probably shouldn't have tried this on the bus downtown either, but since I had time kill and condoms that I have no other apparent use for, I gave it a shot.

I heard some woman comment something about a "Silly, dumb ass.." but with condoms taped to my head I couldn't see the poor slob she was talking about.

In the end there was no notable reduction in the bags under my eyes, but on a crowded bus I did have a seat to myself.

If you try this, for the love of (insert P.C. non-offensive deity), use fresh ones straight from the package.

2007-04-07T08:13:00.000-06:00

THE MYTH

"Tax forms are confusing and require hours of preparation."

THE REALITY

New forms for the 2007 tax year have been greatly simplified and have been reduced to two easy steps.

1) Calculate all income.

2) Send it in.

2007-04-06T12:37:00.000-06:00

THE MYTH

"Taking a quick nap while at work, will make you more productive."

THE REALITY

This is known as the "Clypton Theory" named after Joseph Clypton of Honolulu, Hawaii. Joseph put his theory to the test while at the radar controls December 7 1941, and later as one of the Queens Royal Guards.

Joseph was instrumental in the invention of voice mail, which allowed employees of large corporations to "snooze" without anyone knowing. In fact, Joseph coined the phrase "Please hold, your call is important to us."

In a recent autobiography, Joseph Clypton admitted that not only is your call not important, but we have no idea of the order in which it was received.

2007-04-05T22:07:00.000-06:00

THE MYTH

"More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes."

THE REALITY

I think it takes a jackass to believe this stuff. (Sorry Britney, no disrespect intended there. It's not always about you.)

This myth was planted in the media in an obvious attempt to divert the publics attention from the mass deaths cause by mules.

Death by mule peaked in 1967 at 34,876, whereas donkeys only killed a little over 17,000 people in that same year and most of those were attributed to improperly installed hand rails in the shower.

Through national awareness programs, mule killings have steadily declined over the past few years, to the point where you are as likely to be killed by a mule as mutilated by a penguin. (roughly 1 in 6)

2007-04-04T09:45:00.000-06:00

THE MYTH

"If all the people in China walked past you in single file the line would never end, due to the rate of reproduction."

THE REALITY

The Chinese have considerably more talent than I do. Although I have never tried, I am sure that I am unable to walk and reproduce at the same time.

A whole new meaning to "Keep that F'ing line moving!"

I imagine it to look like a "conga line", with snoozes and smoke breaks.

I have tried to reproduce and:

a) Watch T.V.
b) Wake up my partner
and
c) Cut my toenails

But never tried walking.

I'm gonna call the Embassy and see if they'll give this a shot.

2007-04-03T21:45:00.000-06:00

THE MYTH

"If you cut an earthworm in half, the two halves will both survive."

THE REALITY

It's April and an earthworm is hard to come by here until at least May. So we needed to do some substitutions. So far we are able to say that this does not work with:

- Rabbits
- Mice
- Sparrows
- Cats
- Small children
and
- Rutabagas

Before you become all indignant and send hate mail, it wasn't really a rutabaga, it was a turnip.

2007-04-02T14:06:00.000-06:00

THE MYTH

"You can beat the Breathalyzer test by sucking on a penny."

THE REALITY

First of all I don't condone drinking and driving, unless it's an emergency, like you run out of beer or something.

This was not as easy to test as I thought it would be. A whole night of bar hopping and we only found one Penny and she wouldn't play along. We did a find a willing Doreen but couldn't come up with the cash.

One thing we did learn through the help of Penny's husband, having no teeth doesn't help with the Breathalyzer thing.

2007-04-01T09:31:00.000-06:00

THE MYTH

"The artificial sweetener Aspartame causes memory loss."

THE REALITY

As a regular Diet Coke drinker I know this isn't true, and as soon as I recollect where I laid my notes on the subject I'll prove it.

I've asked several others to help with this experiment and once I remember who they are, they will back up my findings on the research. I don't recall where this myth started, and I can't come up with the name of the publication in which it was written, but it is almost certainly a myth... I think.

If I'm able to find my notes, and my glasses, I will post an update. In the mean time remember this...uh...hmm...what was I saying??

2007-03-30T17:30:00.000-06:00

THE MYTH

"The original hockey puck was frozen cow manure."

THE REALITY

Two things Canada has a lot of, cow manure and frozen stuff...

The idea of freezing the manure didn't come about until the middle of the last century. Using fresh manure until the 1950's it sucked to be the goalie. It also gave rise to the often heard "shitty player", which in the 1970's came to mean someone not adept at their position, and not necessarily covered in crap.

The Stanley Cup was almost canceled after the rancher boycott of 1948, and alternative "pucks" were tried. Despite the abundance of moose and deer droppings, spectators complained the arena just didn't have the same "air" about it.

2007-03-27T20:20:00.000-06:00

THE MYTH

"The average American consumes 1.2 pounds of spider eggs a year and eat 2.5 pounds of insect parts a year."

THE REALITY

If you are the average American, knock it off, eat a salad, try a burger or something. I don't think this is healthy behavior.

Only 4 in 10 we talked to actually admitted eating 2.5 pounds of insects, but 40% is still pretty high! Perhaps it's the fast paced lifestyle and people can't find the time to cook proper meals. But instead of scraping supper off the front of the car, stop at McDonald's or something, think of the children!

2007-03-24T17:27:00.000-06:00

THE MYTH
"Drinking green tea will shrink your testicles"

THE REALITY

First of all I realize this goes against "Mitchum's Blog Rules of Order", Section 7, paragraph 8 which states:

"Never mention testicles in a post".

But the public safety must come first.

Secondly, for reasons yet undiscovered this is said to affect only males. If we are able to make a reasonable hypothesis as to why, we will post an update.

This myth was first published in 1974 in the Saskatchewan Journal of Medicine and was a mistranslation of the text from Greek to Latin to French to English and refers not to green tea, but to marriage.

As evidenced by grown men sitting on a bench in a mall holding the wife's purse while she looks at shoes.

2007-03-23T21:55:00.000-06:00

THE MYTH
"Gang members drive with their headlights off, then kill anyone who flashes them."

THE REALITY

Again the only way to know anything is to do it and see what happens.

We started on a highway in Southern California about 7 one morning, and we flashed all day till early evening. We flashed trucks, cars, semis, motorbikes and old ladies on bicycles and got nothing. Not one gang member or even a close resemblance stopped us or killed us.

The closest we got was when a cop pulled us over and told us to put our pants back on. We may try this again with a female flasher and see if that changes the results.

2007-03-22T00:59:00.000-06:00

THE MYTH

"In the 1800's getting mail to Europe was a simple matter"

THE REALITY

After proving "The Trans Atlantic Pony Express" experiment of 1884 an utter failure, realizing a pony can only swim so far, it became necessary to find a new way to deliver overseas mail. Several experiments with Dolphins,Tuna and small crustaceans all met with varying degrees of success.

But in1892 Art Vandelay was watching a seagull fly gracefully overhead when it him, after cleaning himself off, he came up with the idea we still use today. Thus was born the note in a bottle.

Many "Johnny-come-lately" ideas like ships and airplanes have been tried since, but the postal service has yet to match the speed and efficiency of Art's simple plan.

2007-03-21T18:54:00.000-06:00

THE MYTH

"The Bermuda Triangle"

THE REALITY

We made the sacrifice and headed to Bermuda for the investigation.

We consulted several maps in order to make sure we were in the right spot. The First obstacle presented itself almost immediately. Although all the maps clearly marked the triangle, we could find no lines on the ocean, and as a result drifted in our rubber raft for several days. On one hand it was peaceful and a great break from the hustle of the city. On the other hand it didn't occur to anyone to bring food and water. Not the smartest moment of my life, and sadly not the dumbest. Of course we remembered beer so it wasn't a total loss.

We drifted into a harbor in Jamaica and while we did get lost there for several days it appears that was the rum and not anything supernatural.

We will need to return again to conclude the investigation as there were several bikinis we missed.

We can assure the public the Bermuda triangle is actually a tetrahedron.

And we didn't loose anything.

(it's not a typo, it's to annoy the Hotdog man)

2007-03-20T15:25:00.000-06:00

THE MYTH

"Priceless art objects (Objets d'art, to us intellectuals, I think it's Greek or something) are expensive"

THE REALITY

The world's large auction houses like Christies want to maintain high prices for the abundant commissions that can be obtained.

We managed to purchase an original "Picasso" from Joe Melvist a street vendor in Atlanta, Georgia for less than $200.00!

According to Joe, who seemed to know quite a bit, the piece is entitled "Lady in Red with Three Noses" and is a stunning example of Picasso's early Etruscan Renaissance Period.

Joe pointed out that you can tell it's a real Picasso by the signature on the right hand corner that says "Selma Feingold" which is apparently the name he used to throw off the IRS. Picasso was also a very prolific painter as Joe had 6 others just like the one we bought.

We feel fortunate that Joe was there to guide us and keep us from being swindled! I'm not supposed to mention this, but he's got a line on a statue by Michaelangelo he might let us have!

2007-03-19T23:10:00.000-06:00

THE MYTH

"There is no cure for the common cold."

THE REALITY

One of the best known killers of viral infections is the chemical compound:
C_nH_2n+1OH

This medication is taken orally and must be repeated every 30-40 minutes until a heightened sense of euphoria is achieved followed by deep sleep.

Some side effects may include an increased awareness of how attractive you appear to the opposite sex and a desire to dance, some people have reported increased urination and in severe cases, oral refund. Most didn't find the side effects serious enough to stop use.

C_nH_2n+1OH is found in many products readily available everywhere, a popular example being:
When taking this medication publicly it is advised to remember that most women, unless they are also fighting a cold in the same manner, will still find you gross.

2007-03-18T19:05:00.000-06:00

THE MYTH

"Alien Abduction"

THE REALITY

One Government official, speaking on the condition of anonymity we'll call him "Ben", stated for the record that there has yet to be a single provable case of alien abduction or any proof that aliens exist at all.

"Ben"

"Ben" continued "If there were in fact extra terrestrials here we would surely have seen proof of them by now, and suggests people stop asking questions."

Another official with the State Department wanting to remain anonymous, "Todd", likened the abduction stories to the obvious "Bigfoot" hoax.

"Todd"

These were nice gentlemen and we could find no reason to doubt their sincerity.

Out of Myth puns...

2007-03-17T11:00:00.000-06:00

THE MYTH

"Subliminal advertising messages are routinely written into blogs"

THE REALITY

I Coken't believe people would think corporations would stoop so low. Pepsi it's our lack of faith in big business? I think most bloggers would never allow a company to Target their blog with such practices. Of Coors I could be wrong. Ford many years now companies have been trying to find a way to reach consumers Direct, T.V. doesn't always work. Maybe somewhere on the Verizon there will be a blogger who tries to make money off of big business, but for now we say "no" and let the Lay's chips fall where they may.

2007-03-16T11:34:00.000-06:00

THE MYTH

"Newly discovered Nostradamus quatrain predicts American Idol winner"

THE REALITY

The news media has once again jumped the gun and went with the story before a full investigation could be done. As one source at CNN said:

"Now that the Anna Nicole Smith story has died down, we were in a hurry to find other hard news and the decision was made to go with the story before confirmation."

While initial translations appeared promising, further study revealed the quatrain's lack of news worthiness, as it deals only with the destruction of the Western World in 2009 and shouldn't affect or delay this seasons results.

Analysts continue to peruse the documents looking for any news of what Britney may do next.

2007-03-15T18:29:00.000-06:00

THE MYTH
"It can be hard to know if a political campaign speech is good for you."

THE REALITY

Now with the new speech labeling system, it has become much easier to live a healthier voting style.

The following example is purely non-partisan.

As you can see we blacked out Hillary Clinton's eyes so you can't recognize her to avoid lawsuits (we're always thinking).

2007-03-13T22:27:00.000-06:00

THE MYTH

"Pouring salt water down the coin receptacle of a slot machine will make it payout"

THE REALITY

We are now able to confirm this is in fact just a myth.

Did you know these casinos have incredible security, with cameras watching every move? Sadly for us, this information came too late. The security guards are greatly lacking in a sense of humor, and didn't appreciate the interests of science.

On the upside, thanks to the unintentional electro-shock therapy, I was able to quit smoking! And the hair should grow back in 4-6 weeks.

....

2007-03-10T20:47:00.000-07:00

THE MYTH

"Men think of sex every 7 seconds"

THE REALITY

This myth was propagated by the Kinsey report of the 1950's. Being male I can attest to the fact that this is not even close. In fact it is much closer to 13 seconds and on stressful days at work it sometimes stretches to 34 seconds. There was even a time when I went for almost 3 minutes, but I'm not sure that's healthy and should only be attempted under a doctors care.

The Kinsey report probably meant to say men could be ready in 7 seconds.
...And done.

...

2007-03-09T08:48:00.000-07:00

"Blogs featuring pictures around New York are fascinating."

This myth has been perpetuated by otilius. (For the love of God, don't click on the link it will only encourage him!)

6.5 people out of 7 that we surveyed, secretly admitted to enjoying this blog, but asked to remain anonymous for the safety of their families.

As one person commented:

"I always vote for him on blog battles, it's better than that "myth" crap!" (We don't know who they meant.)

By studying the photos we feel this blog probably originates somewhere on the U.S. East Coast, but haven't yet nailed down the exact area. Citizens (and illegals) are asked to approach this blog with caution as there are images of melting snow.

(this has nothing to do with being bitter about losing battles constantly while he wins all the time, we are bitter, but it has nothing to do with it.)

Mythed

2007-03-08T22:19:00.000-07:00

"If you play Led Zeppelin records backwards, you can hear satanic voices."

We tested this one out personally in order to destroy this myth once and for all. We couldn't find a record player, or even a Led Zeppelin record for that matter. We did find an old 8-Track of Buck Owens and his Buckaroos however and decided that would work just as well, although we had one hell of a time getting it in the CD player in the truck.

In retrospect we probably should have done this test sober and with our own truck, but hindsight is 20/20.

In the end the closest we could find to satanic voices on Buck Owens playing backwards was a line that says "Hey, too much butter!"

This may take more investigation as I feel we didn't perform our best here.

Mythed delivery...

2007-03-03T12:04:00.000-07:00

"Baseball players say spitting on a new bat brings good luck"

In testing out this myth, we didn't know what the hell they meant by a "new" bat, so we found one about six weeks old.

After spitting on it, the little bugger jumped and got tangled in my hair, bit me on the cheek causing me to fall of the rock in the cave and breaking my right arm. The mother bat (I'm assuming, I didn't stop to ask) attacked me opening a large gash on my shoulder.

As soon as I am released from the hospital I will buy a lottery ticket to see if it brought me luck!

Class dismythed....

2007-03-02T15:41:00.000-07:00

"The Illuminati is fictional."

The Illuminati is very real and active in the world today.

Where are they? Read these signs and figure it out for yourself!

1) The international symbol of the Illuminati is a red maple leaf on a white background.

2) The ceremonial staff used in secret meetings, is a long "L" shaped wooden stick with a wide bottom end.

3) The ceremonial hat is a wool knitted item known by the Illuminati code word "Toque"

While it is still early in our investigation, we have studied these signs extensively and believe they point to the Illuminati somewhere in North America, possibly Mexico.

Mythed again...

2007-02-25T08:21:00.000-07:00

"Global warming."

While it may be true that Earth is warming at an alarming rate, we feel from our studies that this is cyclical and normal.

Our study consisted of a 36 hour marathon of temperature watching and beer drinking. Our results prove inconclusively that the Earth warms and cools and regular intervals. It seems for some unknown reason the temperature is highest around noon on any given day, and coolest after dark. We hope with further study and more Coors Light to find the answer to this meteorological phenomenon.

"Drinking coffee stunts growth"

In every myth there is always a kernel of truth, in this case it is true that there is a substance called "coffee".

Coffee was first used as an aphrodisiac in ancient Egypt around 3600 B.C. (Or B.C.E. if you like being politically correct.) and was brought to the Americas 300 hundred years before Columbus arrived, by a traveling circus from Bangladesh. Upon it's arrival in the new world, coffee became a meal replacement product for those wishing to lose weight. Soon coffee was outstripping sales of illicit drugs and the drug lords in Columbia needed a quick way to dis-credit the new substance and started spreading rumors over the internet in about 1672. The particular genius in the campaign was to assure children that coffee stunted growth and cocaine did not.

In the above myth, where facts were uncertain or unavailable some "literary license" was taken to fill the gaps. Although we stand by the substance of the story that "coffee" is a real product.

Mything out...

2007-02-23T21:18:00.000-07:00

"No two snowflakes are exactly alike."

Finally irrefutable proof that this is a myth. The picture below clearly shows two snowflakes exactly alike!

"All Nigerian letters promising big money returns are scams."

We sent the $5000.00 to Nigeria and we are told the 2.5 million dollars will transfered to us in the next several days. It takes time to get the money out from under the noses of unscrupulous officials.

As soon as the money arrives we will destroy this myth.

-5 days later:
Apparently there is trouble and it will take a few more days.

-14 days later:
Have been assured money is on it's way, they just need another $2000.00 to bribe some Judges.

-17 days later:
Haven't heard anything since last money sent. No news is good news, right?

-23 days later:
Still nothing, doubt starting to creep in.

-6 months later
Bank account was cleaned out, lost house in foreclosure, some one has racked up $15,000.00 on credit card.

Hope the 2.5 million arrives soon!!

Don't be myth led...

2007-02-22T06:34:00.000-07:00

THE MYTH

"An infinite number of monkeys on an infinite number of typewriters in an infinite amount of time will type the entire works of Shakespeare"

THE REALITY

In the interest of science the only way to prove this myth wrong is to do it.

First we had a little trouble with the term "infinite", is that more than six? Because six monkeys was all we could round up. As for typewriters, well it was easier finding the monkeys. We got 4, 3 electric and 1 manual. So we had to double up a couple of monkeys.

Let me say here and now, you can't get monkeys to sit at typewriters and type endlessly. The little bast... er ... apes did a lot of running around the office, and not one knew how to use a toilet, so how they will type anything intelligible remains unclear.

Okay so we get all of them sitting at typewriters banging away at keys. On one typewriter the "n" sticks, on another the automatic carriage return doesn't work, and someone (IE: monkey) put something (we decided to say it was chocolate cake, though I don't remember there being any) all over the keys on another.

Another thing I'm curious about, how can 6 monkeys eat 4 pounds of bananas and leave behind 15 pounds of crap? What's the mathematical formula here?

Anyway the zoo called and said the police were on their way, so we had to say that "infinite" was about 40 minutes. (it seemed like eternity, trust me.)

The closest we got to anything resembling English was:

-Prufit
-Ternable
and
-Florgrift

Or maybe it's Greek, I dunno.

THE MYTH

"Monkeys are clean animals."

THE REALITY

No.

Hits and Mythses...

2007-02-21T15:07:00.001-07:00

"The 41st President of the United States George H.W. Bush is the Father of Current President George W. Bush."

This is one of those "urban legends" that just won't go away. I think this has been perpetuated by the left wing media in order to confuse the public.

Look at the following pictures.

Does this look like Father and Son to you?

(well maybe just a little)

This absurd idea keeps popping up on the internet and "news" channels.
The reality is the current President is the illegitimate son of "Curly" Joe and Julia Child. And his real name is, I believe, Ringo.

"Canada is a democratic nation of 30 million people lying to the North of the U.S."

The origins of this myth date as far back as 1867, when the "nation" of Canada was "created" by the U.S. Congress in order to quell rumors that the U.S. was so unfriendly nobody wanted to live near them. The idea of a close neighbor with a mutual history and tradition managed to become so ingrained in the American conscience, many people reported actually having been to "Canada". Upon further interrogation however these individuals have also reported being abducted by UFOs.

As this recent satellite photo shows, there is absolutely nothing to the north of the U.S. And Alaska is actually off the California coast, not near some northern mythical land.

Myth Universe...

2007-02-19T15:39:00.000-07:00

"The children's nursery rhyme "Ring around the Rosie" is about the Bubonic Plague or Black Death"

This is another myth that started with Horatio L. Longsnot's 1974 book"Let's Make Up Crap and See If they Believe it."

The nursery rhyme is a re-enactment of the final battle of the Anglo-Saxons victory over the Ukrainians in the great Ukrainian invasion of Britain in 1237. The battle remembered by history as "The Rosie" marked the beginning of the end of The Ukraine's domination of Europe.

If images of grown men holding hands dancing in a circle and singing strikes you as not being terribly fierce, you must remember it wasn't a very good battle. Perhaps not the Empire's "Finest Hour."

Mythed Connection...

2007-02-18T11:30:00.000-07:00

"Putting "tin foil" in your hat or on windows will thwart CIA mind control attempts"

While this was certainly true through the 70's and 80's, as technology changed so did the need to re-think blocking strategies.

While some initial experiments with "Cheez-whiz" showed promise, it was Ivor Stelnitskiko of Rhode Island that found the elusive solution. Due to an error in the program code CIA radio waves are unable to penetrate thin layers of "I can't believe it's not butter". Be very careful when reading labels, many margarines claim on the packaging that they contain effective anti-CIA ingredients, but this is only a marketing ploy and no other products have been shown to be effective.

In a side note, I have noticed when using this product in your hat it also keeps you hair from standing up. I don't need Brylcreem anymore!

No longer a mythtery..

2007-02-15T22:33:00.000-07:00

"Wednesday is named after the Norse/Anglo-Saxon god Woden."

Wednesday is named after Tuesday. That's just an old joke that came to mind...unfortunately.

Wednesday has nothing to do with Woden, weddings or groundhogs. Prior to the 7th century the third day of the week was called Flagaristday, the traditional day many early Anglo-Saxon washed their flagar. The flagarist would bring his wagon from door to door picking up the weeks dirty flagars. By mid 6th century the flagar was becoming associated with the criminal element, as you could well imagine, and it's popularity diminished steadily through to the 800's where it's use ended abruptly.

In about 847 a cable T.V. installer started telling customers he would be out this week between 9am and 2pm, but wouldn't say what day. You probably can't imagine the frustration of re-arranging your schedule to wait for a service technician that never showed! Customers finally catching on to his trick starting asking "What Day?" (Don't get ahead of me here!) Speaking in Old English and being generally illiterate they asked "Wad is ne dei?" The customer service agent would respond with "yes" or as they said in Old English "You got it, Baby".

A mythtery...

2007-02-13T08:23:00.000-07:00

"La Cosa Nostra is a criminal organization."

The mafia as perpetuated by television and the movies is nothing more than an urban legend. In order to prove this we ventured into "Little Italy" in New York.

We started asking questions of locals on the street, everyone here is in a hurry as they kept looking over their shoulders, and responding with "No Mafia!" as they rushed off.

We did find one kindly old gentleman who would talk with us, Don "something" we didn't catch his last name.(We were warned not to take any pictures but we snapped this one quickly, Don was so nice I'm sure he won't mind)

We were invited to go for a ride in his limousine with what must have been his 6 nephews or something as they all referred to him as Godfather. So kind was this man he continually worried about our health, mentioning many times how he hoped "Nothing unfortunate should happen to us."

One nephew must have been a doctor as he asked Don "if he should look after our kneecaps." After assuring him our kneecaps were fine, but I did have a twinge in my right shoulder, we were dropped back on the corner where they picked us up, I only wish they had stopped the car first, obviously a miscommunication with the driver.

As they drove away Don said something about knowing where we lived and expressed great concern for the health of our family.

What a nice man, I have a feeling he will come to visit us soon. I hope he brings his nephew the doctor as falling from the car seems to have caused some internal injuries.

Mythses..or something..

2007-02-11T21:31:00.000-07:00

"Polls are a fair and accurate gauge of the publics opinion."

I could never figure out why we care what the polls think. What purpose is served in knowing the opinion of people in Warsaw? We should be asking Americans, Dammit! Only 34% of polls approve of President Bush, so what!! I think it's time the Polish people minded their own business and stop meddling in our affairs.

"Alcohol kills brain cells"

Or maybe it's true.
After reviewing the stuff I wrote, apparently I wasn't using them anyway.

Myth USA...

2007-02-06T22:26:00.000-07:00

"Carmella Underhart is not a serious Candidate for President in 2008."

I've gotten so tired of the media dissing Carmella , it's time to set the record straight. This is an overview of her platform:

1) In favor of abortion, unless the woman is pregnant.

2) In favor of whatever most people think about global warming.

3) In favor of "gay" marriage, "blissful" marriage and "happy" marriage but vehemently opposed to "delirious" marriage.

4) Believes the Constitution stands as written without need of interpretation, unless the Supreme Court or Al Sharpton say otherwise.

5) Believes in the separation of church and state also the separation of Spears and Federline.

6) Believes in securing America's borders. All 6 of them.

7) Believes strongly in the war on terror. Has personally sought to ban sales of "The Exorcist", "Psycho" and "The Postman" (Damn that Costner!)

8) Is not entirely sure where Iraq is located.

9) The U.N. should mind it's own business and stay out of world affairs.

10) Believes in tax cuts and hair cuts.

Underhart in 2008!

Mythed Opportunity...

2007-02-04T12:01:00.000-07:00

"McDonald's "I'm lovin' it" is a new and original advertising slogan"

The image below is from a cave in Northern Europe dating back to 6500 B.C. (nearly 30 years before McDonald's opened it's first restaurant)

Not only is it clear that the slogan was "lifted" from this ancient discovery, but it also puts to rest the question whether or not cave men knew English.

"The CIA regularly checks blogs and removes sensitive or offending material."

**Removed by order of the Washington Bureau Chief**

Mythed out...

2007-01-31T23:54:00.000-07:00

"Canola oil (name derived from Canada & Oil) is a genetically modified plant oil engineered to produce hypnotic effects and enslave the world to Canada's whim."

**They are on to us! Abort! Abort!**

"Internet scams cost Americans millions of dollars each year."

Send me $1000.00 and I'll explain why this is not true.

"Sparatolum is a safe alternative to chicken."

Not only is this myth costing consumers billions of dollars each year, it is possible that lives are being unduly harmed.

Sparatolum is derived from the extraction of fluids from renal glands of Chilean rats. And of course on the surface this doesn't appear to be a problem. In the processing however when the fluids reached temperatures above 100 degrees Celsius a compound, known as Meraloxin, is produced which, while not fatal in small doses, can cause adverse reactions in humans that may lead to Stalaxation or even Obsutilian.

Many people claim the low cost of Sparatolum is worth the risk, buyer beware.

The Mything Element...

2007-01-29T21:05:00.000-07:00

"E = mc² is a complex and confusing formula."

This mathematical formula has baffled many a scholar. But here we will show you a way to understand this equation in language so simple a child could follow.

M is a metatheory for T. Then there is a closed PA-formula H such that if T and M are both consistent, then H is undecidable in T, yet M cannot prove neither ~PR_T(H), nor ~RF_T(H) (i.e. the metatheory M cannot prove neither the T-unprovability, nor the T-unrefutability of the formula H).

Proof. Since the set of all theorems of a formal theory is computably denumerable, let an appropriate Turing machine enumerate all arithmetical theorems of T and M:

(T, A₀), (M, A₁), (T, A₂), (M, A₃), ... -----------(1)

The appearance of the pair (T, A) means that T proves A, the appearance of (M, A) - that M proves A. Our aim is to obtain a formula H such that none of the following four assertions can hold:

T proves H, T proves ~H, M proves ~PR_T(H), M proves ~RF_T(H). ----------(2)

Therefore, let us call a formula Q positive, if in the enumeration (1) one of the pairs (T, Q) or (M. ~RF_T(Q)) appears first, and let us call Q negative, if first appears (T, ~Q) or (M, ~PR_T(Q)). Our target formula H must be neither positive, nor negative. The enumeration index of the first pair appeared we call (respectively) the positive or negative index of the formula Q. The following two predicates are computably solvable:

a(x,y) = " y is the positive index of the formula number x",

b(x,y) = " y is the negative index of the formula number x".

Let formulas A(x,y), B(x, y) express these predicates in PA. Now, following the Rosser's proof method, let us take the formula
Ay (A(x,y) -> Ez

and let us apply the self-referential lemma. In this way we obtain a closed PA-formula H such that
PA proves: H <-> Ay (A(H, y) -> EzH,z)),

And so after a couple of quick calculations we see that in fact Oswald was the lone gunman.

Mythed by that much...

2007-01-26T15:14:00.000-07:00

"The Julian Calendar was introduced by Julius Caesar in 49 B.C."

You can see two obvious problems with this statement right away without even running for the Funk & Wagnalls. (An encyclopedia, a book, you know words on paper. Named after Roger Encyclop a marine biologist, but I digress.)

First problem: Julian and Julius are spelled differently.
Second: It does not say introduced to who. (Or is it whom?? I can never remember.)

Many will say that since it was in 49 B.C. that they couldn't have known it was B.C., that's just silly use your common sense. The A.D./B.C. system wasn't widely used until 17 B.C.

Since Julian is clearly a feminine name, it is easy to figure out the inventor was Julie ( as she was more commonly known) Cezare, which is where the name confusion begins. And was introduced to the Romans in 709 ab urbe condita , which is Latin for: After Lunch or A.L.

Near mythses...

2007-01-23T22:16:00.000-07:00

" George Washington delivered the first State of the Union address on January 8, 1790."

I have searched "You Tube" extensively and can find no credible video of this event.

"The odds of being struck by lightning are about the same as winning the jackpot in a lottery"

Not one person we interviewed that had been killed by lightning has mentioned also winning the lottery. This first appeared in print in a book entitled "Let's make up crap, and see if they believe it!" authored by Horatio L. Longsnot in 1974.

In a side note, it has long been thought that Horatio was the brother of Albert Einstein. This has since been dis proven using DNA profiling, so stop spreading that lie!