THE MYTH

"Bird droppings on your shoulder bring good luck."

THE REALITY

Having animals defecate on you sounds more like "I'm having a bad day" than good luck.

"How's your day?"

"Oh, really good! A bird crapped on my head, I have dog shit stuck to my shoe and if I could just get a squirrel to pee on my leg I might buy a lottery ticket!"

It boggles the mind to wonder how bad the life of the person who made this up must have been when a bird pooping on him was the upside of his day.

Even for me this wouldn't be the best part of my day, not the worst either, but not the best.

THE MYTH

"Life begins at forty."

THE REALITY

The pregnant women are going to be mighty shocked to hear that!

I recently received this nifty saying on a coffee cup and at first I thought this was taking the anti-abortion thing a little far. I know we can't agree when life begins, but really, 40??!!

As opposed to being an anti-abortion campaign I am assuming this is one of those things you say to make people feel better about themselves, and this was the best they could up with.

At 40 I still suck my belly in when a hot girl walks by, all the while knowing deep down, she thinks me and her grandfather are the same age. I have to take a breather from bending over to put my socks on the morning, some days I don't bother. Shaving takes twice as long because you have to move the jowls and hanging skin around. The nose hairs are so long I just pretend I grew a mustache. Words on books are written smaller, light bulbs aren't as bright as they used to make them and and I'd probably forgo sex just to have a good afternoon nap (okay, maybe not.)

Life does not begin at forty and while I don't think it ends at forty either, I can see the on-ramp from here.

THE MYTH

American States have cool state nicknames.

THE REALITY

Missouri- "Show me State"
Missouri should beef up their education system then they can become the
"Hey, I did it myself State."

Oklahoma- "Sooner State"

Sooner be someplace else? Sooner or later we will get a proper nickname?

Oregon- "Beaver State"
Wow, I want to move to Oregon!!!!!! Unless we're talking animals here. And you would be called an Oregonian which sounds like something I need a cure for.


Maryland- "Old Line State"
Brings a tear to your eye, don't it?

New Mexico- "Land of Enchantment."
Look, if you couldn't come up with anything why didn't you just leave it alone?

Nicknames for Canadian Provinces are far more creative.

Saskatchewan - "Hey, come back! We found a tree!"

Alberta- "Texas Jr."

Newfoundland- "Last one out turn off the lights."

Ontario- "Could be worse places to live!"

Quebec- "Die, you English speaking dogs!"

Prince Edward Island- "We are too a province!"