THE MYTH

Complimentary Napkins

THE REALITY

Today at a large food store, (I won't mention Safeway's name to avoid lawsuits...always thinking) I was offered a complimentary wet napkin at the door. Apparently dirty people shop at this store and you don't want touch any carts used by anyone else.

Let me digress a moment, Shopping Carts, carts, not buggies, okay, it buggies me when people say buggy, you know who you are, knock it off! I believe these are the same people who say "Scrunch over" when they want to sit down (surely these must be Americans, no self respecting Canadian says "scrunch", eh?) I prefer "Move your fat carcass."

Whew, I feel so much better!

So I'm handed this complimentary napkin that says "You are fat and ugly."

While true, it's not a compliment.

Don't even get me started on complimentary doughnuts!

THE MYTH

Addictions

THE REALITY

Addictions are for the weak minded. They are usually found in people of lower intelligence. (IE: Hotdogman)

I have successfully quit smoking 46 times this year. It's become so easy I hardly try anymore.

The casino has all my money. No money= No gambling= No addiction. ( So simple)

I used to be addicted to Hagen Daz coffee ice cream. A stroke, a double bypass and a 4 month hospital stay later, and voila...no addiction!

After last nights bender, I can't remember if I have an alcohol problem, but my cocaine dealer says not to worry about it.

And coffee??? Can you really consider 18 cups a day an addiction???

Oh, by the way, looking for girl who wants to cure sex addiction. Apparently after sex with me, everyone has sworn off further intercourse. I like to help.

THE MYTH

Combustible Flatulence

THE REALITY

In testing this I was amazed (and utterly shocked!!) to find farts do burn. As do bed sheets, dressers and other various bedroom furnishings. In fact the only thing that saved the house was that I was drinking beer and REALLY had to go!

This is an interesting method of removing unwanted body hair, and a large portion of wanted body hair. During this episode I invented a couple of new dances and several new swear words, including "badfitch", which apparently means "Holy crap, my bum is on fire!"

I realize having a blow torch with a bright blue flame, coming out of your behind sounds cool and exotic, but oddly it was a tad uncomfortable. The doctor says I should be able to sit down in 4-6 weeks and there shouldn't be any long term effects on other sensitive organs in that area. (They weren't being overly used anyway.)

In the future if in some drunken stupor this seems to sound like something you want to try, remember, "Preparation H" will be your new best friend.