**ANNOUNCEMENT**

On the assumption that anyone cares..

Due to commitments I am no longer able to update this blog, (such as it is) at least for the summer,I may be back in the fall. I've had a lot of fun with it and have enjoyed getting to know many of you through your blogs. I will still visit my favorites regularly.

Have a good summer.

Craig

**I did a guest post at Verbicidal Tendencies**

THE MYTH

"Soul Mates"

THE REALITY

They are a rare find, that you find rarely. And rarely do you find them often. But often they are rarely found.

This was far harder to investigate than I had imagined. I paid some guy 150 bucks online to do a search, he came up with a name and email of some woman who obviously had no idea what I was talking about, what a waste of money. He also apparently stole my identity using the credit card number and other personal details I gave him, so I don't know who I am now! My mother will surprised when he shows up for Christmas dinner next time, not disappointed maybe, but surprised.

The Yellow Pages doesn't have any listings for Cobblers, although I did find an excellent peach cobbler at a cafe downtown, it didn't really aid my search.

It may have fallen out of the car, so if you're driving down the highway and see a lone shoe on the side of the road, would please stop and grab it? It may be my sole mate.

THE MYTH

"Creationism"

THE REALITY

If I get struck down during this post, I am blaming Mist and leaving my blog to CY.

Poking fun at Charles Darwin is one thing, but I assume God can actually hurt me. I pray that after all the world has gone through He still has a sense of humor left.

An infinite wisdom God could not have created or allow to evolve:

1) Soy Milk/Tofu, Etc.
2) Al Gore
3) Jean Chretien (Non-Canadians can click for more info. He may be Satan's second cousin. Just sayin')
4) Tuna Fish Sandwiches
5) Ex-wife (I would post a picture, but blogger has decency rules)
6) Spandex (Super models and the cutie at 7-11 excepted, oh to be ten years younger! okay maybe twenty)
7) American Beer (If you can call it "beer", why doesn't it have alcohol in it?)
8) Saskatchewan (Even though I was born there, but had the sense to leave when I was 3)
9) Microsooft Windows (It's not a typo, I just have an aversion to being sued)
10) Tickle me Elmo

The list could be extensive of course, I didn't even mention Britney, Cricket or peas!

Now that we have proven both Evolution and Creationism as myths, the only conclusion is that you are all a dream and/or figment of my imagination. Of course if this is all my dream how come I'm not rich, just handsome?

THE MYTH

"Evolution"

THE REALITY

My opinion on evolution is evolving.

Reason and logic often get thrown into these discussions, and tend to skew the results. We shall dispense with them immediately.

Charles Darwin first came up with his theory while working at a Ford plant in Lansing. Noticing how last year's model was slightly, but perceptibly, different than the current year. He also noted the same trend in women's fashions, taxes and deodorant. Being a cross-dressing accountant with B.O made these discoveries obvious to him.

Many have argued that God could have pre-ordained these things to evolve. However Darwin pointed out that surely God would never have built the Edsel, Al Gore or allowed overweight women to wear spandex.

In the end the theory of evolution, like the theory of a round earth, remain myths that just won't die.

THE MYTH

"Leftover beer can be used to rid the garden of slugs"

THE REALITY

Leftover Beer????????? I've never experienced such a thing.

Is this like "extra" money? Or the "chip clip" to save the bag of chips for later? If I open a bag of chips, I eat a bag of chips. I've even seen snacks that come in their own ziplock re-sealable bags. Has society become so soft we don't even know how to pig out on snacks anymore?

But I digress. (And on the new carpet too, sorry, I'll clean it up later.)

I refuse to test this myth, I won't even give my Brother-in-Law a beer, maybe if they were more productive, but they move slowly, eat 18 hours a day and leave slime behind when they go. But enough about my Brother-in-law, we were discussing slugs.

I might try giving slugs "Soy Milk" as I can see no other purpose for this product.

THE MYTH

"Tobacco use can make you important"

THE REALITY

I am really confused by the message Health Canada is sending our youth. Forcing tobacco companies to use this on cigarette packages.

I started smoking again after seeing this on a package of cigarettes, who doesn't want to be important?

I haven't really noticed any increase in my importance, but I have noticed things below aren't quite what they used to be, not sure if it's related. If smoking does make you important, then with the amount I'm going through I should be Prime Minister in the next few months!

THE MYTH

"Peeing in the shower is socially unacceptable"

THE REALITY

What was great about testing this myth was drinking lots of beer so I could produce at the proper time. The old liver is just begging for a breather.

I traveled to six different regions in North America to test this myth and visited roughly 43 showers, mostly private homes. You get some funny looks (and occasionally buckshot) when you ring a doorbell and ask to pee in their shower.

Approximately 87% of the people had no real issue with the shower peeing, but most felt I should actually be taking a shower and not do it from the hallway.

It appears men do more shower peeing than women, but then men will pee just about anywhere, even a toilet if happens to be handy, and in the shower you never worry about putting the seat down. So what exactly is that yellow ring in the tub? I suspect women just won't admit to shower peeing.

I should point out that "Number 2" in the shower is a definite no-no, except, oddly, in parts of Colorado. I'm not sure if Coloradoers..Coloradians..Coloradosesers..people from Colorado are just not so uptight or if there are real issues to be concerned about.

THE MYTH

"Boob jobs are a safe and practical procedure."

THE REALITY

I've been doing boob jobs for nearly twenty-five years now, and while I've never made a great deal of money, I've been comfortable.

The biggest downside of the boob job is the hit your self esteem takes. It hurts sometimes to hear the boss say:

"Let's get that boob to do it."

And it's usually some crappy job nobody wants to do.

I hired a couple of boobs to paint my house recently and have learned to live with the green over the windows, it's like a spring day even in January.

I've never really understood women who talk about getting a boob job, why don't they hire a professional? I guess money must be tight.

I hear friends say:

"Hey, my wife just got a boob job and it looks great!"

They must be hiring people who do better work than me. I'm all for boob jobs otherwise I'd never find employment.

THE MYTH

"Biting of finger and toe nails can cause gastrointestinal ailments(1)"

*Numbers indicate footnote translations, so Mist is able to follow along*

THE REALITY

I am physically unable to chew my toenails, I don't know if it's just me or the population in general(2). I can touch my nose to my knee, but that doesn't really help with this investigation(3). Oddly I am unable to touch my nose with my elbow, I intend to see a physician(4) about this. If you find yourself chewing other peoples toe nails, I suggest you take up smoking or some other safe habit.

One of the problems associated(5) with biting nails is worms. If there are worms under your nails and you don't know about them, maybe you should try washing your hands once in awhile. Let me know first though, as I am planning a fishing weekend and need bait(6).

Another nail biting problem listed is heart damage. If you are chewing your nails that short at least stop at the elbow.

If your child is unable to stop biting their nails, take them away from them until they are mature enough to handle it.

(1) Tummy trouble.

(2) All the peoples.
(3) Figuring out stuff.

(4) Nice man who helps people.
(5) Together, kind of like a date.
(6) Stuff for the little fishies to eat.

THE MYTH

"The best things in life are free"
OR
"Money can't buy happiness"

THE REALITY

So why aren't homeless people deliriously happy?

Why do I get stopped constantly by people looking for spare change? Which I never give them because I want them to be happy. (I am always sacrificing for others)

"You are so lucky," I tell them "I may look happy in my new Mercedes and my Armani suit, but deep down I'm miserable. I am being forced to fly to Cancun this weekend to sit on the beach and drink. The maid over starched my shirts again and the chauffeur drinks. I wish I could be as carefree and happy as you! By giving you money I may be leading you down the same miserable path, and I couldn't live with that on my conscience."

I generally get that look that says "You're gonna get your ass kicked!"

There's just no helping some people. Ingrates!

THE MYTH

"A full moon affects mood and character."

THE REALITY

During the last full moon I monitored my habits and reactions very closely to see if there were any effects.

The results:

Murders I committed: 0 (Down from last week!)

People I assaulted: 0 (I don't count the neighbor, he deserved it!)

Armed robberies: 0.5 (I am calling this a half, because it wasn't successful)

Number of road rage events: 14 (In my defense on this one, I'm sure I was never at fault.)

Weird creepy stalkings: 2 (An average week.)

Drunken tirades in the Wal Mart parking lot: 1 (I could have swore I was home in bed, but security cameras don't lie.)

Airplane hijackings: 0 (As far as I can remember)

So this is an obvious myth as my time during the full moon was completely normal, without any adverse effects.

THE MYTH

"The Canadian military is weak and under funded."

THE REALITY

-Prior to deployment in Afghanistan all military sling shots have been retro-fitted with new elastics.

-With new maintenance rules, Sea King helicopters fall from the sky 20% less often. (Now with a 50-50 chance of flying)

-Canadian submarines employ alternative environmentally safe propulsion devices (tow rope from a destroyer).

-Billions of dollars have been spent studying replacement of Sea King helicopters. Unfortunately it didn't leave any money to actually buy anything.

-Military pay raises have caused a 3% drop in use of food banks.

With the current Conservative government's re-vitalizing of the military it is believed that in less than 20 years we will be up to 1990 standards. So any nation planning on causing trouble for Canada, please wait, 'kay?

THE MYTH

"Product warning labels are useful and helpful"

THE REALITY

Keep in mind people who need these warning labels are allowed to vote and drive.