THE MYTH

"Bear Repellent"

THE REALITY

First a quick tip off the top, always read directions before using a product. I assumed this was used like mosquito repellent and soaked myself down. No matter how fast you drive with the windows open, you cannot escape this stuff.

Bear repellent, so I have learned since, is just "mace" same as the cops use. So by the time I stopped at 7-11 to get something to wash the taste out of my mouth, I looked like I had just come from an anti-war demonstration. This will be why you never see a bear protesting anything.

The choking, gagging, crying went on for several hours, eerily reminiscent of sex with the ex-wife.

This product should not be confused with "bare" repellent which is the refusal of women to get naked after seeing me dance.

THE MYTH

"North American workers are lazy and overpaid"

THE REALITY

This is an outrageous lie! Just yesterday the boss said I was doing the work of two men... Curly and Moe. ( I don't get it either, but I took it as a compliment.)

I was so disgusted when I heard this myth that I closed the solitaire card game window, put my shoes and pants back on and marched straight to the cafeteria to take a break. Then after my mid-morning nap and a good 45 minutes of avoiding my supervisor, I decided a couple of martinis at Joe's would calm me down. The afternoon at work was sheer hell, first the dealership called and said they can't get the Mercedes in red then accounting emailed to say my expense account was $7.00 over budget, and I am expected to make up the difference! Bastards!

I am too upset to even finish this, I may have to take paid stress leave. As soon as I'm able to track down a copy of my job description to see what I am supposed to be doing here, I will demand a raise.

THE MYTH

"Natural body odor is an aphrodisiac"

THE REALITY

If I find out this is true I will be suing Mennen Speed Stick, for a lot of missed opportunities! I always assumed my lack of luck with the ladies was the "Dorky Factor", but perhaps I just smelled too damn good.

After a 3 mile run and no shower I was off to test this myth at a local nightclub. After about 10 minutes of mingling I wasn't getting any offers of sex, but I did seem to be getting noticed and appeared to be the center of a few discussions among the ladies. Many were looking my way and pointing.

Some of the women (probably afraid they couldn't control themselves) asked me to not stand so close.

Seems I must have chosen lesbian night at the club, as no one wanted to dance or have impromptu sex, there is no other explanation.

THE MYTH

"Music soothes the savage beast."

THE REALITY

I believe the original quote is "Music soothes the savage BREAST." However, I am unsure as to what that means. I've heard of big, small, droopy, perky but as yet I have not seen a savage boob. (Outside of politics)

As for the savage beast, the Ex-wife won't answer my calls, so once again we have to"make do". We chose the neighbors pit bull, as this animal keeps us trapped in the house several hours a day. I ventured into the back yard with my $29.95 WalMart guitar and started playing the only tune I know how to play, the only tune anybody who doesn't play the guitar knows how to play, "Smoke On The Water".

This had the opposite effect I was hoping for as the animal became enraged, and so music does NOT soothe the savage beast but a guitar upside the head did work wonders.

What's the deal on rabies?

THE MYTH

"The home appendectomy kit is confusing and ineffective"

THE REALITY

Before attempting to remove your own appendix with the RJ-29 home kit, you must remember this was developed in Japan and some translation errors have been found in the instructions.

Unfortunately these errors were found after my first attempt. By the the third try however I became more skillful with the procedure. One of the most important points to remember, as I discovered, is do not apply general anesthesia unless someone is helping you. I'm aware this seems self-explanatory but it didn't occur to me at the time.

The other consideration before attempting this procedure, is knowing what an appendix looks like. I removed three organs and I believe I got the appendix, but I may also have invented the home colon removal kit.

Some of you may recognize the similarities of the home appendectomy kit and "hara-kiri", the samurai suicide method, this was pointed out to me by the doctor in the emergency ward.

With a little practice I believe the average person will be able to accomplish this without much trouble, try removing your spleen or gall bladder first just to get the hang of it.

THE MYTH

"Hair and nails continue to grow after death"

THE REALITY

Since I'm not quite ready to personally test this one, although the ex-wife has offered to help, I had to get reliable data elsewhere.

I have discovered in the course of this investigation that grave robbing is a dying vocation. Not one is listed in the yellow pages and the local community college dis-continued it's course several years ago. It was also explained to me, Thursday night at 2AM, that digging in a cemetery was frowned upon in Canada. There are apparently legal issues I hadn't considered.

I further discovered a thing called an "encyclopedia" although I am unsure as to how to pronounce it or turn it on, but I'm told the answer lies within.

THE MYTH

"Humans use only 10% of their brains."

THE REALITY

Sadly, many of us not even that much.





























This supposedly relates to three quarters of the world's population, but our studies indicate it is closer to 75%.

THE MYTH

"Murphy's Law"

THE REALITY

Laws made without the consent of "the people" are neither legal nor binding and undermine the integrity of democracy. Since Murphy and his ilk, have never held office or been elected, his laws do not apply to those of us in the free world.

Similarly, who was Newton to force the "Law of Gravity" on us? There was no referendum, plebiscite or national election fought on this issue.

I for one do not intend to stand by while the democratic process is usurped by the theses charlatans for their own twisted purposes. I am urging everyone to take civil action and defy these laws and allow the Supreme Court to determine their validity!

**UPDATE**
While attempting to defy the Law of Gravity, I have broken my arm, I suspect Murphy was involved here as well. It goes to show the lengths these people will go to stop us. We are up against a determined foe, be careful out there!

THE MYTH

"Placing a condom on your eyes will reduce puffiness and redness."

THE REALITY

I was not sure about testing this one, as I was afraid I might become cock-eyed.

I probably shouldn't have tried this on the bus downtown either, but since I had time kill and condoms that I have no other apparent use for, I gave it a shot.

I heard some woman comment something about a "Silly, dumb ass.." but with condoms taped to my head I couldn't see the poor slob she was talking about.

In the end there was no notable reduction in the bags under my eyes, but on a crowded bus I did have a seat to myself.

If you try this, for the love of (insert P.C. non-offensive deity), use fresh ones straight from the package.

THE MYTH

"Tax forms are confusing and require hours of preparation."

THE REALITY

New forms for the 2007 tax year have been greatly simplified and have been reduced to two easy steps.

1) Calculate all income.

2) Send it in.

THE MYTH

"Taking a quick nap while at work, will make you more productive."

THE REALITY

This is known as the "Clypton Theory" named after Joseph Clypton of Honolulu, Hawaii. Joseph put his theory to the test while at the radar controls December 7 1941, and later as one of the Queens Royal Guards.

Joseph was instrumental in the invention of voice mail, which allowed employees of large corporations to "snooze" without anyone knowing. In fact, Joseph coined the phrase "Please hold, your call is important to us."

In a recent autobiography, Joseph Clypton admitted that not only is your call not important, but we have no idea of the order in which it was received.

THE MYTH

"More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes."

THE REALITY

I think it takes a jackass to believe this stuff. (Sorry Britney, no disrespect intended there. It's not always about you.)

This myth was planted in the media in an obvious attempt to divert the publics attention from the mass deaths cause by mules.

Death by mule peaked in 1967 at 34,876, whereas donkeys only killed a little over 17,000 people in that same year and most of those were attributed to improperly installed hand rails in the shower.

Through national awareness programs, mule killings have steadily declined over the past few years, to the point where you are as likely to be killed by a mule as mutilated by a penguin. (roughly 1 in 6)

THE MYTH

"If all the people in China walked past you in single file the line would never end, due to the rate of reproduction."

THE REALITY

The Chinese have considerably more talent than I do. Although I have never tried, I am sure that I am unable to walk and reproduce at the same time.

A whole new meaning to "Keep that F'ing line moving!"

I imagine it to look like a "conga line", with snoozes and smoke breaks.

I have tried to reproduce and:

a) Watch T.V.
b) Wake up my partner
and
c) Cut my toenails

But never tried walking.

I'm gonna call the Embassy and see if they'll give this a shot.

THE MYTH

"If you cut an earthworm in half, the two halves will both survive."

THE REALITY

It's April and an earthworm is hard to come by here until at least May. So we needed to do some substitutions. So far we are able to say that this does not work with:

- Rabbits
- Mice
- Sparrows
- Cats
- Small children
and
- Rutabagas

Before you become all indignant and send hate mail, it wasn't really a rutabaga, it was a turnip.

THE MYTH

"You can beat the Breathalyzer test by sucking on a penny."

THE REALITY

First of all I don't condone drinking and driving, unless it's an emergency, like you run out of beer or something.

This was not as easy to test as I thought it would be. A whole night of bar hopping and we only found one Penny and she wouldn't play along. We did a find a willing Doreen but couldn't come up with the cash.

One thing we did learn through the help of Penny's husband, having no teeth doesn't help with the Breathalyzer thing.

THE MYTH

"The artificial sweetener Aspartame causes memory loss."


THE REALITY

As a regular Diet Coke drinker I know this isn't true, and as soon as I recollect where I laid my notes on the subject I'll prove it.

I've asked several others to help with this experiment and once I remember who they are, they will back up my findings on the research. I don't recall where this myth started, and I can't come up with the name of the publication in which it was written, but it is almost certainly a myth... I think.

If I'm able to find my notes, and my glasses, I will post an update. In the mean time remember this...uh...hmm...what was I saying??