THE MYTH

"The original hockey puck was frozen cow manure."

THE REALITY

Two things Canada has a lot of, cow manure and frozen stuff...

The idea of freezing the manure didn't come about until the middle of the last century. Using fresh manure until the 1950's it sucked to be the goalie. It also gave rise to the often heard "shitty player", which in the 1970's came to mean someone not adept at their position, and not necessarily covered in crap.

The Stanley Cup was almost canceled after the rancher boycott of 1948, and alternative "pucks" were tried. Despite the abundance of moose and deer droppings, spectators complained the arena just didn't have the same "air" about it.

THE MYTH

"The average American consumes 1.2 pounds of spider eggs a year and eat 2.5 pounds of insect parts a year."

THE REALITY

If you are the average American, knock it off, eat a salad, try a burger or something. I don't think this is healthy behavior.

Only 4 in 10 we talked to actually admitted eating 2.5 pounds of insects, but 40% is still pretty high! Perhaps it's the fast paced lifestyle and people can't find the time to cook proper meals. But instead of scraping supper off the front of the car, stop at McDonald's or something, think of the children!

THE MYTH
"Drinking green tea will shrink your testicles"

THE REALITY

First of all I realize this goes against "Mitchum's Blog Rules of Order", Section 7, paragraph 8 which states:

"Never mention testicles in a post".

But the public safety must come first.

Secondly, for reasons yet undiscovered this is said to affect only males. If we are able to make a reasonable hypothesis as to why, we will post an update.

This myth was first published in 1974 in the Saskatchewan Journal of Medicine and was a mistranslation of the text from Greek to Latin to French to English and refers not to green tea, but to marriage.

As evidenced by grown men sitting on a bench in a mall holding the wife's purse while she looks at shoes.

THE MYTH
"Gang members drive with their headlights off, then kill anyone who flashes them."

THE REALITY

Again the only way to know anything is to do it and see what happens.

We started on a highway in Southern California about 7 one morning, and we flashed all day till early evening. We flashed trucks, cars, semis, motorbikes and old ladies on bicycles and got nothing. Not one gang member or even a close resemblance stopped us or killed us.

The closest we got was when a cop pulled us over and told us to put our pants back on. We may try this again with a female flasher and see if that changes the results.

THE MYTH

"In the 1800's getting mail to Europe was a simple matter"

THE REALITY

After proving "The Trans Atlantic Pony Express" experiment of 1884 an utter failure, realizing a pony can only swim so far, it became necessary to find a new way to deliver overseas mail. Several experiments with Dolphins,Tuna and small crustaceans all met with varying degrees of success.

But in1892 Art Vandelay was watching a seagull fly gracefully overhead when it him, after cleaning himself off, he came up with the idea we still use today. Thus was born the note in a bottle.

Many "Johnny-come-lately" ideas like ships and airplanes have been tried since, but the postal service has yet to match the speed and efficiency of Art's simple plan.

THE MYTH

"The Bermuda Triangle"

THE REALITY

We made the sacrifice and headed to Bermuda for the investigation.


We consulted several maps in order to make sure we were in the right spot. The First obstacle presented itself almost immediately. Although all the maps clearly marked the triangle, we could find no lines on the ocean, and as a result drifted in our rubber raft for several days. On one hand it was peaceful and a great break from the hustle of the city. On the other hand it didn't occur to anyone to bring food and water. Not the smartest moment of my life, and sadly not the dumbest. Of course we remembered beer so it wasn't a total loss.

We drifted into a harbor in Jamaica and while we did get lost there for several days it appears that was the rum and not anything supernatural.

We will need to return again to conclude the investigation as there were several bikinis we missed.

We can assure the public the Bermuda triangle is actually a tetrahedron.

And we didn't loose anything.

(it's not a typo, it's to annoy the Hotdog man)

THE MYTH

"Priceless art objects (Objets d'art, to us intellectuals, I think it's Greek or something) are expensive"

THE REALITY

The world's large auction houses like Christies want to maintain high prices for the abundant commissions that can be obtained.

We managed to purchase an original "Picasso" from Joe Melvist a street vendor in Atlanta, Georgia for less than $200.00!

According to Joe, who seemed to know quite a bit, the piece is entitled "Lady in Red with Three Noses" and is a stunning example of Picasso's early Etruscan Renaissance Period.

Joe pointed out that you can tell it's a real Picasso by the signature on the right hand corner that says "Selma Feingold" which is apparently the name he used to throw off the IRS. Picasso was also a very prolific painter as Joe had 6 others just like the one we bought.

We feel fortunate that Joe was there to guide us and keep us from being swindled! I'm not supposed to mention this, but he's got a line on a statue by Michaelangelo he might let us have!

THE MYTH

"There is no cure for the common cold."

THE REALITY

One of the best known killers of viral infections is the chemical compound:
C_nH_2n+1OH

This medication is taken orally and must be repeated every 30-40 minutes until a heightened sense of euphoria is achieved followed by deep sleep.

Some side effects may include an increased awareness of how attractive you appear to the opposite sex and a desire to dance, some people have reported increased urination and in severe cases, oral refund. Most didn't find the side effects serious enough to stop use.

C_nH_2n+1OH is found in many products readily available everywhere, a popular example being:
When taking this medication publicly it is advised to remember that most women, unless they are also fighting a cold in the same manner, will still find you gross.

THE MYTH

"Alien Abduction"

THE REALITY

One Government official, speaking on the condition of anonymity we'll call him "Ben", stated for the record that there has yet to be a single provable case of alien abduction or any proof that aliens exist at all.

"Ben"

"Ben" continued "If there were in fact extra terrestrials here we would surely have seen proof of them by now, and suggests people stop asking questions."

Another official with the State Department wanting to remain anonymous, "Todd", likened the abduction stories to the obvious "Bigfoot" hoax.

"Todd"

These were nice gentlemen and we could find no reason to doubt their sincerity.

Out of Myth puns...

THE MYTH

"Subliminal advertising messages are routinely written into blogs"

THE REALITY

I Coken't believe people would think corporations would stoop so low. Pepsi it's our lack of faith in big business? I think most bloggers would never allow a company to Target their blog with such practices. Of Coors I could be wrong. Ford many years now companies have been trying to find a way to reach consumers Direct, T.V. doesn't always work. Maybe somewhere on the Verizon there will be a blogger who tries to make money off of big business, but for now we say "no" and let the Lay's chips fall where they may.

THE MYTH

"Newly discovered Nostradamus quatrain predicts American Idol winner"

THE REALITY

The news media has once again jumped the gun and went with the story before a full investigation could be done. As one source at CNN said:

"Now that the Anna Nicole Smith story has died down, we were in a hurry to find other hard news and the decision was made to go with the story before confirmation."

While initial translations appeared promising, further study revealed the quatrain's lack of news worthiness, as it deals only with the destruction of the Western World in 2009 and shouldn't affect or delay this seasons results.

Analysts continue to peruse the documents looking for any news of what Britney may do next.

THE MYTH
"It can be hard to know if a political campaign speech is good for you."

THE REALITY

Now with the new speech labeling system, it has become much easier to live a healthier voting style.

The following example is purely non-partisan.

As you can see we blacked out Hillary Clinton's eyes so you can't recognize her to avoid lawsuits (we're always thinking).

THE MYTH

"Pouring salt water down the coin receptacle of a slot machine will make it payout"

THE REALITY

We are now able to confirm this is in fact just a myth.

Did you know these casinos have incredible security, with cameras watching every move? Sadly for us, this information came too late. The security guards are greatly lacking in a sense of humor, and didn't appreciate the interests of science.

On the upside, thanks to the unintentional electro-shock therapy, I was able to quit smoking! And the hair should grow back in 4-6 weeks.

....

THE MYTH

"Men think of sex every 7 seconds"


THE REALITY

This myth was propagated by the Kinsey report of the 1950's. Being male I can attest to the fact that this is not even close. In fact it is much closer to 13 seconds and on stressful days at work it sometimes stretches to 34 seconds. There was even a time when I went for almost 3 minutes, but I'm not sure that's healthy and should only be attempted under a doctors care.

The Kinsey report probably meant to say men could be ready in 7 seconds.
...And done.

...

"Blogs featuring pictures around New York are fascinating."

This myth has been perpetuated by otilius. (For the love of God, don't click on the link it will only encourage him!)

6.5 people out of 7 that we surveyed, secretly admitted to enjoying this blog, but asked to remain anonymous for the safety of their families.

As one person commented:

"I always vote for him on blog battles, it's better than that "myth" crap!" (We don't know who they meant.)

By studying the photos we feel this blog probably originates somewhere on the U.S. East Coast, but haven't yet nailed down the exact area. Citizens (and illegals) are asked to approach this blog with caution as there are images of melting snow.

(this has nothing to do with being bitter about losing battles constantly while he wins all the time, we are bitter, but it has nothing to do with it.)

Mythed

"If you play Led Zeppelin records backwards, you can hear satanic voices."

We tested this one out personally in order to destroy this myth once and for all. We couldn't find a record player, or even a Led Zeppelin record for that matter. We did find an old 8-Track of Buck Owens and his Buckaroos however and decided that would work just as well, although we had one hell of a time getting it in the CD player in the truck.

In retrospect we probably should have done this test sober and with our own truck, but hindsight is 20/20.

In the end the closest we could find to satanic voices on Buck Owens playing backwards was a line that says "Hey, too much butter!"

This may take more investigation as I feel we didn't perform our best here.

Mythed delivery...

"Baseball players say spitting on a new bat brings good luck"

In testing out this myth, we didn't know what the hell they meant by a "new" bat, so we found one about six weeks old.

After spitting on it, the little bugger jumped and got tangled in my hair, bit me on the cheek causing me to fall of the rock in the cave and breaking my right arm. The mother bat (I'm assuming, I didn't stop to ask) attacked me opening a large gash on my shoulder.

As soon as I am released from the hospital I will buy a lottery ticket to see if it brought me luck!

Class dismythed....

"The Illuminati is fictional."

The Illuminati is very real and active in the world today.

Where are they? Read these signs and figure it out for yourself!




1) The international symbol of the Illuminati is a red maple leaf on a white background.







2) The ceremonial staff used in secret meetings, is a long "L" shaped wooden stick with a wide bottom end.








3) The ceremonial hat is a wool knitted item known by the Illuminati code word "Toque"






While it is still early in our investigation, we have studied these signs extensively and believe they point to the Illuminati somewhere in North America, possibly Mexico.