Mythed again...

"Global warming."

While it may be true that Earth is warming at an alarming rate, we feel from our studies that this is cyclical and normal.

Our study consisted of a 36 hour marathon of temperature watching and beer drinking. Our results prove inconclusively that the Earth warms and cools and regular intervals. It seems for some unknown reason the temperature is highest around noon on any given day, and coolest after dark. We hope with further study and more Coors Light to find the answer to this meteorological phenomenon.

"Drinking coffee stunts growth"

In every myth there is always a kernel of truth, in this case it is true that there is a substance called "coffee".

Coffee was first used as an aphrodisiac in ancient Egypt around 3600 B.C. (Or B.C.E. if you like being politically correct.) and was brought to the Americas 300 hundred years before Columbus arrived, by a traveling circus from Bangladesh. Upon it's arrival in the new world, coffee became a meal replacement product for those wishing to lose weight. Soon coffee was outstripping sales of illicit drugs and the drug lords in Columbia needed a quick way to dis-credit the new substance and started spreading rumors over the internet in about 1672. The particular genius in the campaign was to assure children that coffee stunted growth and cocaine did not.

In the above myth, where facts were uncertain or unavailable some "literary license" was taken to fill the gaps. Although we stand by the substance of the story that "coffee" is a real product.

Mything out...

"No two snowflakes are exactly alike."


Finally irrefutable proof that this is a myth. The picture below clearly shows two snowflakes exactly alike!




"All Nigerian letters promising big money returns are scams."



We sent the $5000.00 to Nigeria and we are told the 2.5 million dollars will transfered to us in the next several days. It takes time to get the money out from under the noses of unscrupulous officials.

As soon as the money arrives we will destroy this myth.

-5 days later:
Apparently there is trouble and it will take a few more days.

-14 days later:
Have been assured money is on it's way, they just need another $2000.00 to bribe some Judges.

-17 days later:
Haven't heard anything since last money sent. No news is good news, right?

-23 days later:
Still nothing, doubt starting to creep in.

-6 months later
Bank account was cleaned out, lost house in foreclosure, some one has racked up $15,000.00 on credit card.

Hope the 2.5 million arrives soon!!

Don't be myth led...

THE MYTH

"An infinite number of monkeys on an infinite number of typewriters in an infinite amount of time will type the entire works of Shakespeare"

THE REALITY

In the interest of science the only way to prove this myth wrong is to do it.

First we had a little trouble with the term "infinite", is that more than six? Because six monkeys was all we could round up. As for typewriters, well it was easier finding the monkeys. We got 4, 3 electric and 1 manual. So we had to double up a couple of monkeys.

Let me say here and now, you can't get monkeys to sit at typewriters and type endlessly. The little bast... er ... apes did a lot of running around the office, and not one knew how to use a toilet, so how they will type anything intelligible remains unclear.

Okay so we get all of them sitting at typewriters banging away at keys. On one typewriter the "n" sticks, on another the automatic carriage return doesn't work, and someone (IE: monkey) put something (we decided to say it was chocolate cake, though I don't remember there being any) all over the keys on another.

Another thing I'm curious about, how can 6 monkeys eat 4 pounds of bananas and leave behind 15 pounds of crap? What's the mathematical formula here?

Anyway the zoo called and said the police were on their way, so we had to say that "infinite" was about 40 minutes. (it seemed like eternity, trust me.)

The closest we got to anything resembling English was:

-Prufit
-Ternable
and
-Florgrift

Or maybe it's Greek, I dunno.

THE MYTH

"Monkeys are clean animals."

THE REALITY

No.

Hits and Mythses...

"The 41st President of the United States George H.W. Bush is the Father of Current President George W. Bush."



This is one of those "urban legends" that just won't go away. I think this has been perpetuated by the left wing media in order to confuse the public.

Look at the following pictures.

Does this look like Father and Son to you?

(well maybe just a little)

This absurd idea keeps popping up on the internet and "news" channels.
The reality is the current President is the illegitimate son of "Curly" Joe and Julia Child. And his real name is, I believe, Ringo.





"Canada is a democratic nation of 30 million people lying to the North of the U.S."


The origins of this myth date as far back as 1867, when the "nation" of Canada was "created" by the U.S. Congress in order to quell rumors that the U.S. was so unfriendly nobody wanted to live near them. The idea of a close neighbor with a mutual history and tradition managed to become so ingrained in the American conscience, many people reported actually having been to "Canada". Upon further interrogation however these individuals have also reported being abducted by UFOs.


As this recent satellite photo shows, there is absolutely nothing to the north of the U.S. And Alaska is actually off the California coast, not near some northern mythical land.

Myth Universe...

"The children's nursery rhyme "Ring around the Rosie" is about the Bubonic Plague or Black Death"


This is another myth that started with Horatio L. Longsnot's 1974 book"Let's Make Up Crap and See If they Believe it."

The nursery rhyme is a re-enactment of the final battle of the Anglo-Saxons victory over the Ukrainians in the great Ukrainian invasion of Britain in 1237. The battle remembered by history as "The Rosie" marked the beginning of the end of The Ukraine's domination of Europe.

If images of grown men holding hands dancing in a circle and singing strikes you as not being terribly fierce, you must remember it wasn't a very good battle. Perhaps not the Empire's "Finest Hour."

Mythed Connection...

"Putting "tin foil" in your hat or on windows will thwart CIA mind control attempts"



While this was certainly true through the 70's and 80's, as technology changed so did the need to re-think blocking strategies.

While some initial experiments with "Cheez-whiz" showed promise, it was Ivor Stelnitskiko of Rhode Island that found the elusive solution. Due to an error in the program code CIA radio waves are unable to penetrate thin layers of "I can't believe it's not butter". Be very careful when reading labels, many margarines claim on the packaging that they contain effective anti-CIA ingredients, but this is only a marketing ploy and no other products have been shown to be effective.

In a side note, I have noticed when using this product in your hat it also keeps you hair from standing up. I don't need Brylcreem anymore!

No longer a mythtery..

"Wednesday is named after the Norse/Anglo-Saxon god Woden."



Wednesday is named after Tuesday. That's just an old joke that came to mind...unfortunately.

Wednesday has nothing to do with Woden, weddings or groundhogs. Prior to the 7th century the third day of the week was called Flagaristday, the traditional day many early Anglo-Saxon washed their flagar. The flagarist would bring his wagon from door to door picking up the weeks dirty flagars. By mid 6th century the flagar was becoming associated with the criminal element, as you could well imagine, and it's popularity diminished steadily through to the 800's where it's use ended abruptly.

In about 847 a cable T.V. installer started telling customers he would be out this week between 9am and 2pm, but wouldn't say what day. You probably can't imagine the frustration of re-arranging your schedule to wait for a service technician that never showed! Customers finally catching on to his trick starting asking "What Day?" (Don't get ahead of me here!) Speaking in Old English and being generally illiterate they asked "Wad is ne dei?" The customer service agent would respond with "yes" or as they said in Old English "You got it, Baby".

A mythtery...

"La Cosa Nostra is a criminal organization."



The mafia as perpetuated by television and the movies is nothing more than an urban legend. In order to prove this we ventured into "Little Italy" in New York.

We started asking questions of locals on the street, everyone here is in a hurry as they kept looking over their shoulders, and responding with "No Mafia!" as they rushed off.

We did find one kindly old gentleman who would talk with us, Don "something" we didn't catch his last name.(We were warned not to take any pictures but we snapped this one quickly, Don was so nice I'm sure he won't mind)

We were invited to go for a ride in his limousine with what must have been his 6 nephews or something as they all referred to him as Godfather. So kind was this man he continually worried about our health, mentioning many times how he hoped "Nothing unfortunate should happen to us."

One nephew must have been a doctor as he asked Don "if he should look after our kneecaps." After assuring him our kneecaps were fine, but I did have a twinge in my right shoulder, we were dropped back on the corner where they picked us up, I only wish they had stopped the car first, obviously a miscommunication with the driver.

As they drove away Don said something about knowing where we lived and expressed great concern for the health of our family.

What a nice man, I have a feeling he will come to visit us soon. I hope he brings his nephew the doctor as falling from the car seems to have caused some internal injuries.

Mythses..or something..

"Polls are a fair and accurate gauge of the publics opinion."



I could never figure out why we care what the polls think. What purpose is served in knowing the opinion of people in Warsaw? We should be asking Americans, Dammit! Only 34% of polls approve of President Bush, so what!! I think it's time the Polish people minded their own business and stop meddling in our affairs.




"Alcohol kills brain cells"



Or maybe it's true.
After reviewing the stuff I wrote, apparently I wasn't using them anyway.

Myth USA...

"Carmella Underhart is not a serious Candidate for President in 2008."


I've gotten so tired of the media dissing Carmella , it's time to set the record straight. This is an overview of her platform:

1) In favor of abortion, unless the woman is pregnant.

2) In favor of whatever most people think about global warming.

3) In favor of "gay" marriage, "blissful" marriage and "happy" marriage but vehemently opposed to "delirious" marriage.

4) Believes the Constitution stands as written without need of interpretation, unless the Supreme Court or Al Sharpton say otherwise.

5) Believes in the separation of church and state also the separation of Spears and Federline.

6) Believes in securing America's borders. All 6 of them.

7) Believes strongly in the war on terror. Has personally sought to ban sales of "The Exorcist", "Psycho" and "The Postman" (Damn that Costner!)

8) Is not entirely sure where Iraq is located.

9) The U.N. should mind it's own business and stay out of world affairs.

10) Believes in tax cuts and hair cuts.

Underhart in 2008!

Mythed Opportunity...

"McDonald's "I'm lovin' it" is a new and original advertising slogan"



The image below is from a cave in Northern Europe dating back to 6500 B.C. (nearly 30 years before McDonald's opened it's first restaurant)

Not only is it clear that the slogan was "lifted" from this ancient discovery, but it also puts to rest the question whether or not cave men knew English.



"The CIA regularly checks blogs and removes sensitive or offending material."

**Removed by order of the Washington Bureau Chief**